Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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