in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
