it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
