Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
