My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
