I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she pinky promised me she was 18
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
