is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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