Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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