Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
