Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.