I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
