Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
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I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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