If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!