I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
