I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
