When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
