it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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