marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
