Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
