It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
