Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
