i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
