You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
