so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
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he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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