When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize