i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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