Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
and you said cock pushups were impossible
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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