Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
