i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
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After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
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Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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