what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
