Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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