I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
