Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
