my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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