When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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