i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
