i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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