I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
