Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
