My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
