Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
