It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
