I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
