it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
