Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
