I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
