I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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