whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
