note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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