lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
