then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The air taste purple.
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