Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
