yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
