When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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