The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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