I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
