Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
