I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
