my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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