bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
