We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
