I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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