when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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