Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize