Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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