I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
